Thursday, December 15, 2011

Destination vacation: Azerbaijan!

I logged on to Blogger today to discover I had 53 pageviews for the day even though I haven't posted in like a week and a half. Apparently people in countries I've never even heard of and could never hope to pronounce correctly (Azerbaijan? You rock, whoever/wherever you are!) randomly found my blog on Which is freakin' awesome.

So that gloating was just to let anyone who cares know that my ambitions have been restored and I'm back on track to becoming a famous writer who makes millions of people all over the world laugh. I've been feeling blah and uninspired because it feels pointless to write sometimes and I'd rather wallow in self-pity and calories than sit down with a pen and paper. But hopefully I'll stay optimistic and post more than once a month like I've been doing... and screw anyone who doesn't like my blog or thinks I should quit altogether. You suck and you don't have to read it.

................Yeah. That's all.

Friday, December 2, 2011

You lucky gal!

Ever wonder how to make all your friends and acquaintances cry and curse your name? Or how to increase your feeling of self-worth while decreasing that of others? Well, I'm here to help.

How to be "The Bitchy Friend"

1) Constantly remind your friend of all her boyfriend's most negative traits. When her happiness with her relationship seems to be teetering on the edge of smugness, it's best to cut her down a little with a quick jab about her beloved fellow's age/job/car/clothes/house/body.

2) Make plans to spend time with your friends. Act all excited about it. Don't show up. Don't call. Don't answer your phone. Post on Facebook other stuff you're doing instead. When your friends corner you about your shenanigans, respond with this airtight excuse I've supplied for you: "All my clothes were dirty so I had to wash them before I could leave the house. While I was hanging out in my kitchen in the nude, the washer exploded and got soapwater all up in my phone's battery. So my clothes couldn't finish washing and I couldn't call to tell you I had to cancel. But my phone still lets me get on Facebook even when the battery has been soap-bombed so that's why I posted a status about my naked nacho party. Wanna hang out next weekend instead?"

3) When your friend asks for you opinion about her fashion choices, always tell her the tackiest things are flattering so you'll look more attractive by comparison. You'll head out to slut it up on Saturday and be rewarded for your efforts with a deep sense of satisfaction as everyone snickers behind your friend's back and mocks her trashbag-dress. As long as you allow her to suffer from the delusion that bedazzled overall-shorts are "cute," you'll always be the lucky gal to snag all the boys at the club.

4) Play down your friend's accomplishments or turn the situation around to make it about you instead. Make sure to mention how much better you are/were at whatever she's achieved in life. This is easy to do with comments like, "When I graduated -- well, I was 14th in my class so it's probably not the same as your graduation," or "My first apartment was a 3-bedroom 2-bath split-level with a 4-car garage, front and back porch, and walk-in closets. But your trailer is okay too."

It's ridiculously simple to make your friends feel inferior and envy your life... it's also the most effective way to boost your self-esteem and ensure that you'll die alone.