Monday, March 19, 2012

oh ok yea lol

Everybody likes to feel important, funny, and interesting. I base this observation on the fact that I like to feel important, funny, and interesting. Even while we're simply engaging in the least personal of all interactions, texting, we crave the witty banter, the flattery, the back-and-forth comedic insults that assure us that the other person understands what we're saying and feels the pull to respond, continuing the conversation and allowing you to say more and more things, however nonsensical or offensive they become. So what if all you're discussing are the various shapes of pasta noodles? Obviously the person you're texting either loves the topic of pasta, or likes you enough to let you rant about it rather than blocking your number and telling everyone they've never met you.

But then there's the other side of it. On that side live the cold-hearted biotches who couldn't care less that penne noodles are the best kind for alfredo-based pastas. They'll take your well-formed opinions, and do worse than ignore them.

They'll one-word you.

Say you're a bit desperate. Just pretend. You reeeeaaaally want the guy you're texting to think that you're witty and charming, but you go overboard just a little bit in your attempt to act natural, and end up with this train wreck for a conversation:

Your Unfortunate Crush: "So what are you up to?"

Ridiculously Nervous You: "Practicing my kung fu skills. I just watched Kug Fu Panda so I'm feeling pretty inspired. Not about being a panda, but about learning kung fu. I mean, if a Jack Black panda can be trained, there has to be some hope for me, right? If not, I think I might just give up on life and become a dog whisperer. Or a ghost whisperer. Or a ghost dog whisperer. Hahahahahahahahahaha."

Your Unfortunate Crush: "lol"

...What does it mean? Why would someone respond with such a low level of care and humor, not to mention personality? Here is a loose interpretation of the bland lol, drawn solely from my own experience in both receiving and sending it:

Your Unfortunate Crush: "Has anyone ever told you that you need to not say so many words? You're probably the least funny person I know of. And I've seen three Rob Schneider movies. I don't even read my messages all the way through when I see your name on my phone."

The best way to respond to that douchebag is with the silent treatment. If he can't appreciate your ridiculous humor or understand that your ramblings (and your impressive pit stains) are a product of smitten-induced nerves, then he's a clueless unsympathetic moron unworthy of your sharp wit.

Now check this one out. You text one of your buddies some sort of information or fact that isn't really conversational. Just a sort of friendly FYI.

Helpful You: "Hey! Just wanted you to know that we're all having dinner at Sleazy Mike's tonight! You're welcome to join us if you're interested!"

Ungrateful Party Guest: "ok"

OK? How is that a useful reply? Is that his lazy way of RSVPing, or is he simply acknowledging that he did indeed receive the message? Let me clarify all that for you with a brief insight into the subtext of this text.

Ungrateful Party Guest: "I don't care."

That's right, your sweet thoughtfulness and exclamation points don't phase this guy at all. He just wants to be left alone, probably so he can watch dark foreign subtitled movies through his obnoxiously long bangs and write exclamation-point-free poetry about his tragically lonely life. Because he doesn't care, and you can't make him.

The Siamese twin of "ok" is the even lamer "oh," but little difference exists between the two of them as far as their deeper meanings. They both bring any textversation to a screeching halt and hurt your feelings, and that is always their intention. Especially if shortened to "k" and "o" and accompanied by the rudest and most abrupt of all punctuation: the period. Slap me in the face, trip me down the stairs, spit in my hair, but please, spare me from opening my phone to an "o."

Now say you've had a really terrible day and you just need to vent. So you go through your contacts and start ranting to some poor soul.

Frustrated You: "I just don't understand the world. Like, can't school just be easier? We don't all need to be rocket scientists, ya know. Then my stupid boss wrote me up because he said being an hour late to work is unacceptable, but I had to curl my hair, ya know?"

Poor Undeserving Friend: "Yea"

Sure you're a bit hysterical and your friend did nothing to to warrant your lunacy being poured out upon her, but a little sympathy or encouragement wouldn't kill her. So why is "yea" all she has to say? Here's what she's trying to convey to you:

Poor Undeserving Friend: "I will agree with anything you say if it means an end to this conversation and your senseless whining. I don't understand your problem, I don't see your point of view, and I don't want to."

Ouch. Think twice before counseling that biotch next time she's freaking out about her latest pregnancy scare. Because now you get to be the bad guy.

Slutty Careless Acquaintance: There's probably a 98% chance I'm going to have a baby. I just don't know what to do. Life is so unfair, I've done nothing to deserve this. Except for all that unprotected sex. Will you be the baby's godmother?

Vengeful You: Yea.

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