This cozy Autumn weather makes everyone all cuddly and lovey-dovey. And if you don't have a "special" friend to share that with, it sucks. Seeing all these precious couples parading through the leaves in their boots and toboggans gives me hateful hopes that they step in hidden dog poo. Because I don't get to be in love, or anything close it. Like lust. I've always wondered how people know that what they have is really love, and this is what I've come up with in my two decades of observation.
Clearly the best way to determine a couple's true relationship status is through the extent of their inappropriately sexual behavior in public. The more you kiss, hold hands, dry-hump, and go oral on your partner in front of an audience, the stronger your love is bound to be. Everyone knows that love can't be 100% true unless all your friends, family, and unassuming strangers are forced to be exposed to your embarrassing show of moaning PG-13 near-nudity. If you're comfortable enough together to play twister in the school hallway without a mat, or practice naked yoga on top of each other with your living room curtains open, then the only logical conclusion is that you must have a strong and lasting love.
If you still can't be sure that you and your significant other will one day sit on the front porch with 37 cats and matching rocking chairs, then take a look at your communication skills. By that, I don't mean how you work out your problems or if you listen to each other. What's really important are your random phone calls, texts, and mushy Facebook comments. Couples who call to "check in" every time their location changes must share a much deeper connection than I could ever dream of. Knowing that miles away, a person I care about moved from kitchen to living room is something I've never been lucky enough to experience. If you truly love someone, however, you won't stop there; you'll extend this over-communication to the public forum of Facebook. The cyberspace form of the high school makeout hallway, Facebook allows you to send one another intimate expressions of affection for all to see. A fun side effect: your territory gets marked.
It's inevitable that if you have found your special someone in life, you will gladly waste 85% of your paycheck on random gifts... whether SOS deserves it or not. Birthdays, Christmas, 3 1/2-month anniversaries, and Valentine's Day will be the most ridiculously excessive events since Kim Kardashian's wedding. Sweet and simple? Thoughtful and homemade? Forget it if you want your relationship to survive long enough to celebrate your 7-month-1-week anniversary, Arbor Day, and National Pancake Day. What you need are fireworks, sky-writing, matching new cars, and treasure chests of rubies. So save the acoustic strumming of your sappy love sonnet for your debut in a 1986 teen romance movie, you cheapskate. When people really love one another, the most exact way to express that is with a monetary value.
If a girl introduces herself with your last name, it obviously means you belong together... and that she wants you realize it. The sooner into your relationship this name-change occurs, the longer you are bound to be together. Prematurely acting like the two of you are married seems to be the healthiest way to progress with your relationship; to hell with slowly getting to know each other over time.
So I'm pretty sure I'll never be in love.
Being in love isn't something I can explain with words. I once told someone that there is a difference in love and unconditional love..if you can honestly say/wish/pray that your life was the one being taken instead of the one you love..then you can claim unconditional love. I've experienced that..and won't be satisfied with anything less again. P.S. Amanda, Punkin loved you dearly :)
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