5 Lies Girls Tell Guys

1. "You'll never have to worry about hearing me whine."

This is a filthy lie, told because she knows how obnoxious whining is and how much guys hate it. She knows this because of years of being told to please shut the hell up with her incessant impressions of Fran Drescher. Guys won't like her if they know the truth, so she hides it for a while until she manages to trap them in her evil web, also known as a "relationship". Her cool laid-back facade melts away to reveal a red-faced shrieking banshee intent on causing death by irrational complaints.

2. "I won't tell anybody."

...Except her mom, sister, best friend, best friend's family, co-workers, boss, pastor, pastor's family, cousins, doctor, little nieces and nephews, book club, aunts, hair stylist, dentist, pharmacist, brother, brother's basketball team, brother's basketball coach... The point is that girls gossip, especially to each other, and especially about embarrassing secrets.

3. "I don't have very expensive taste."

She just hasn't told you about her addiction to gourmet dining, Internet gambling, designer shoes/clothes/purses, antique furniture, or male strippers yet. There's always something she'll throw down wads of cash for. And if she doesn't have her own wads of cash, watch out.

4. "I'm not a bossy person."

This means that you need to be prepared to be two steps ahead of her, foreseeing things she would want you to do and doing them before she spends all afternoon pouting over your inattentiveness. Because she still wants you to do everything a bossy person would want, she simply doesn't believe she should have to vocalize it. Either way, you're expected to do crap you probably don't want to do, so it doesn't matter how she considers herself because she's lying to your and her own foolish self.

5. "It doesn't bother me that your friends with your ex-girlfriends."

WTF? Yes it does. She fears that you'll lock eyes with her over the beer pong table and realize it really was meant to be after all and then you'll go have a naked party with her and all your other exes and girls you're friends with but secretly in love with in your crazy girlfriend's imagination. If you laugh with your ex-girlfriend, talk to her, talk about her, look at her, pay attention to her in any way, then your girlfriend is thinking double homicide.

Girls are crazy lying manipulative bitches... consider yourself warned.