Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Day In The Life

I live a life full of things that are not interesting to anybody else because stories about reading and filing paperwork don't captivate many audiences for some reason. So I'm going to highlight the events of a typical day in my life anyway because self-ridicule is fun.


6:30 -- I wake up, grease my hair back into a messy ponytail and drive, bleary-eyed, to my old high school to walk the track. Trying my hardest to push McGriddles from my mind, I alternately walk and jog laps while listening to energetic music on my MP3 player. I always skip all the first songs to get to the Savage Garden songs because I'm awesome. Any time some stranger (usually accompanied by a dog) walks by me, I try to distract them from the unshaven legs I have sticking out of my basketball shorts by making small talk about their stupid dog or how early it is. I continue doing laps until I feel that I've done sufficient exercise to not feel guilty the rest of the day.

7:30 -- I go home and read about what everyone from my past is doing on Facebook and consider doing something productive with my life after being painfully reminded of how most of my Facebook friends are married, engaged, have children, pregnant, graduating college, buying houses, and moving away. Shortly afterwards I forget all about it because there's a cartoon marathon on Nickelodeon and I want a bowl of generic store brand Cinnamon-Flavored Toasters.

8:00 -- I fall asleep on the couch despite my desire to watch The Fairly Oddparents all morning. My kitten Lucifer wakes me up at least ten times by attacking various body parts that I twitch unconsciously.

11:00 -- I wake up from my restless nap and read Harry Potter while considering how unhealthily I should eat for lunch. Knowing that I should keep my money-spending and calorie-consuming low, I go to McDonald's and get an Angus bacon cheeseburger combo. I wipe the cheese off my face and do thirteen sit-ups to smother my shame a little bit. My stomach is tricked into thinking it didn't just consume 4,500 calories in one sitting, so I continue on living my life with the guilt successfully shoved to the dark recesses of my mind where it can fester and be the death of me in a few years.

12:00 -- I start getting ready for work reluctantly, going through my routine of anti-aging processes and beautifying treatments. They don't work. I put on my most stylish dress-code-compliant outfit and drag my lazy butt to work.

1:00 -- I paste a sweet smile on my face and exhibit my legendary customer service skills anytime I'm forced to interact with customers. The rest of the time I try really hard to get stuff done but the problem is, I'm very easily confused. And forgetful. And prone to shutting my fingers in filing cabinets. Once I manage to overcome all those challenges and bandage my finger, working gives me a perfect opportunity to contemplate the meanings of my dreams, what I'll eat for dinner, how much money I need to survive this month, and what dramatic events will occur on the next episode of Degrassi.

7:00 -- I take a "lunch break" to rest my feet and eat barbeque Pringles in the break room. This time is usually spent opening my phone every twenty-five seconds in the vain hope that someone has texted me, and thinking about people I could text to pass the time. In between shoving chips in my mouth, I compose ludicrous messages that I never send because I have too much self-respect and cowardice.

7:30 -- It's almost time to close, so I start getting lazy. The store is actually open for an hour and a half after this time, but I've given up on accomplishing all my goals for the day so instead I opt to lean on the counter and gossip with co-workers who feel the same way.

9:00 -- We finally lock the doors and get ready to leave. This is my favorite part of the day.

9:20 -- I head home, wash the three inches of makeup off my face, and change into my shlubbiest lounge clothes. I spend at least twenty minutes plucking my eyebrows because people always say things to me like, "have you ever tweezed your eyebrows?", "I can tell you do your own eyebrows", "you'd be pretty if you didn't have those enormous brows", etc. and for some reason that's made me self-conscious about it. If you don't understand, check out the next-to-last picture in this blog.

9:45 -- I check Facebook again to see what people are up to without having to talk to them. Because I don't really like any of them, I'm just nosy. Pictures of girls in bikinis on beaches remind me that I should do my Shake Weight workout, so I interrupt my mom watching "The Deadliest Catch" to put in my workout video.

10:30 -- I wander into my brother's room and he keeps me there for an hour talking about movies and movie ratings. Then we remember that we have DDR and so we have to break it down, Thiel Posse style. We don't stop until we're unbearably sweaty and "Bad Romance" is permanently stuck in our heads for the next 63 hours.

12:30 -- I have every intention of going to sleep, but my brain won't calm down so I read Harry Potter to relax it a little.

2:00 -- I'm cross-eyed from reading in poor lighting. I remember I have to be at work at 7:30 and curse myself for irresponsibly staying up so late. Closing my eyes determinedly, I lie down and wait for sleep, which doesn't come for two more hours because my brain wants to keep rocking out to Lady Gaga and replaying events of the day, edited with things I should have said if I wasn't such a scaredy-cat. When I fall asleep this late at night/early in the morning, my dreams are always of being late for work, oversleeping, and being fired for missing my shift. I wake up ready to cuss someone out for looking at me wrong. People look at me wrong all day because I didn't have time to wash my hair and I have a permanent scowl on my face.

And then the whole thing repeats perpetually, with slight variances in times due to my work schedule. Having a lame life is awesomely fun!

No comments:

Post a Comment