Fun Amanda

I hardly ever drink alcohol. I like to think myself as a "good kid" because my list of sexual partners is quite short and I don't enjoy participating in activities that cause me to hallucinate or see more than the normal amount of things when I look at them.

I never-ever got drunk until I was 21. I was staying with my friend Max (who is gay, like Lance Bass), my boyfriend at the time Mark, and one of our other friends, Andy. They discovered that I'd never been drunk, and reacted as if I said I'd never tasted bread. They decided that my status of "good kid" needed to change immediately, and against my better judgment I finally agreed. Being homeschooled has given me a very low resistance to peer pressure.

We prepared for the occasion by stocking up on various sorts of alcohol, since I had no idea what was good. I mainly picked out bottles that were pretty and had appealing descriptions, especially those containing the words "French," "exotic," and "sparkling."

After everyone got off work and came back to the house, we set up the beer pong table, which was really the bathroom door that they unhinged and placed on the kitchen table which was too short by itself. Whether you call that innovative or ghetto, it served its purpose well.

I let everyone know at least every ten minutes that I didn't like beer, so logically we decided that if I had to drink during the beer pong game, I could just take a shot of whatever fruit-flavored poison I desired. The plan was too perfect to fail.

I started out the evening looking attractive and put-together, as always.

At some point after several rounds of vodka/rum/tequila pong, I thought it was a great idea to go lie on the floor and watch the TV which only had a menu screen up because we were using it to listen to a CD. Someone else took my place in the game so I could occupy myself with searching for hidden messages on the TV screen and humming the Cow & Chicken theme song.

The guys were very sweet and patient with me, considering how ridiculous I was.

Max: Dude, is she ok?

Fun Amanda: YES. I can hear you, don't talk about me.

Mark: Do you want me to put a movie on for you so you can sit here and relax?

Fun Amanda: NO I wanna be in the party. I'm playing pong, I just needed a break so I could.

*Everyone waits for the end of my sentence*

*I feel them all exchange an amused glance at my expense*

Fun Amanda: STOP DOING THAT.

Max: Okay Amanda. Don't yell please, just calm down. We'll leave you alone, okay?

Fun Amanda: Oh god don't leave me alone.

I have a horrific fear of being left alone when I'm sick, so I suppose that fear extends to drunkenness as well. They left me anyway, but that's probably because I either whispered my plea or spoke in Swahili.

As I gazed into the enchanting lights of the TV, I remembered that I hadn't eaten and my stomach was cold and lonely with two liters of exotic sparkling French stuff in it. I also remembered that everyone I lived with worked at Bojangles and brought home leftovers every night.

Since eating three cajun filets and four drumsticks is way more satisfying than wearing a size 6, I went for it.

I ended up in the kitchen somehow and began my search for artery-clogging yumness.

Fun Amanda: I just, where's the, can you..."

Andy: It's on the couch. Go lie down and you'll find it.

Fun Amanda: Ha ha, I don't want, I'm fine, just chicken for the.

Mark: Ok let's go back to the couch, you want me to put a movie on for you?

Max: I think she's hungry, let her have a drumstick.

Fun Amanda: YEAH like with my... closet, happens.

They made me go sit back down and brought me some food. I was completely indignant at being treated like a child so I cried and threw my chicken bones on the floor. A combination of the sobbing and the fried chicken turned my stomach into a blender so I lurched my way to the bathroom and threw up. I was by far the most charming person I could think of at that point. The vomiting teamed up with the crying to make me hyperventilate, and I was 100% positive that I was going to die in the doorless bathroom of a trailer, smelling like fried chicken and failure.

Max came to check on me and found me hunched over on the floor, eyes bugged out and gasping for air. He lifted me to my knees and miraculously, cold, fresh, beautiful air filled my mouth and nose from the vent that God had placed directly beneath my face. He got me under control but I was still morbidly embarrassed to face everyone else so I sat on the edge of the tub and wondered why people think being drunk is fun or if I was doing it wrong.

Max: Are you all right? What happened? What do you need?

Fun Amanda: Don't... questions. MAX!!!

Max: What?!?!

Fun Amanda: ...left. But I was at. Where Mark?

Mark: *Comes running in, looking terrified and worried and probably amused at how pathetic I was* I'm here, what do you need? You wanna go watch a movie?

Fun Amanda: Oh. My. God.

While I collected myself, Mark sat with me on the edge of the tub, doing his own pondering, probably about why he was dating someone who cried so much. He seemed to think that I really wanted to watch a movie, or that movies were a magical cure for drunkenness and lameness. Once I decided that everyone had probably forgotten how ridiculously I'd behaved, he stood to help me up, but fell backwards into the tub. Lucky, along with super-crying abilities, inebriation also enables me with ninja reflexes, because I hooked my arm back and around him in 0.000007 seconds so he wouldn't fall. Mark was so amazed by my surprising show of athleticism that he told everyone about it immediately, even though that only made it harder for them to forget everything else I'd done.

I tried to resume my tequila pong game while singing the wrong words to a Katy Perry song we were listening to because I really wanted to have fun like other drunk people do. I was a big ball of tangly-haired, tear-stained, tone deaf fun that night.

Fun Amanda: Baby we're all fiiiiire works, come and get your brooooothers cursed!

Max: Okay I scored but please don't drink anymore. We put all the alcohol away except for the beer anyway.

Fun Amanda: *Pouts, not because I wanted any more to drink but because they were all right and I was wrong*

I won the beer pong game because I'm awesome, and then everyone else wanted to do lame things like talk and play games without me. So I went outside to breathe air that wasn't polluted with smoke and judgment. I stood on the porch, staring at the stars and listening to the people inside having fun without crying or pouting, and faced the fact that drinking just was not for me. It would never be the sexy-fun-time I envisioned.

With that realization, I went back in, ignored everyone, crawled onto the futon that served as my bed, wrapped myself up in blankets and shame, and slept for eighteen hours.

Thankfully, I can be fun and sexy without the aid of alcohol.