Back in the days when I was still talking to Charming Adam, I used to be a bit of a Facebook whore. I talked and flirted with a lot of different guys, some that I knew from high school or my brief stint at college, and some that randomly added me as a friend because of my extreme sexiness.
One of these stranger-fellows was five years older than me, talked to me constantly, and thought I was pretty, which significantly clouded my judgment like always.
He seemed perfectly nice and normal on Facebook and texting, so logically I agreed to meet him at his house to watch the Superbowl. I do not care about the Superbowl whatsoever but I was lonely and there was a chance that a boy might put his arm around me, so I was up for anything.
He texted me directions to his house, which was conveniently less than ten minutes away from my house. I cheerfully filled my best friend in on my exciting plans, and she stared at me as if I'd told her I was going to meet Hannibal Lector.
Horrified Kacy: "What do you know about this guy?"
Naive Amanda: "His name is Carter. He likes dogs and the American Pie movies."
Horrified Kacy: "...Do you know anything other than what's on his Facebook page?"
Naive Amanda: "Yes. I have to go or I'll be late."
At his house, I met him, his roommate, and their pet Pit Bulls, and settled in on the couch to watch the seconds on the football timer tick by. I texted Kacy every five minutes to assure her that I was not being raped/killed/harvested for organs. Other than my texting, there was almost no conversation as the guys watched the stupid Superbowl, so I felt outrageously useless and awkward. Like usual.
Carter was ridiculously short; he was probably shorter than me, and I'm only 5'3&1/2" but I was in no position to be picky. He put his arm around me and I was perfectly content with my life. We even kissed after the game, which wasn't quite as magical as I'd hoped. He came at me tongue-first and I had some trouble breathing that way, but I think I took it like a champ. Every girl has to experience at least one guy who relies that heavily on his tongue while kissing... it's like a rite of passage sort of thing. If you survive it, you are now a woman.
After I became a woman, I went on about my life and we continued texting each other but not really finding anything out about each other. I don't know how two people could talk so frequently and not get to know each other at all, but we managed it. Carter invited me over to his house later that week, to which I replied, "hell to the yeah." I was used to guys losing interest quickly so this was a nice change of pace. I went to his house, where we laid down and watched some movie that I didn't pay attention to because I was nervous that he might want to boink me and I couldn't remember if I'd shaved my legs or not.
Instead, something even more horrifying happened.
He got a bitchy text from his ex and started crying. I don't mean just a couple of tears that he wiped away before I could see them. I mean huge, wracking sobs from the depths of his soul.
I stared at him and patted his shoulder awkwardly, wishing I never would've met him because I couldn't handle this situation. It was a very selfish thought but I didn't judge myself for having it cross my mind. When he finally wiped away the last of his man-tears, he looked up at me with pitiful eyes and tried to ruin my life.
Crazy Carter: "I don't know why you care about me crying. You can leave if you want. My life is nothing but darkness."
Amanda: "Um, well, I'm not going to leave anyone alone while they cry." (No matter how much I want to.)
Crazy Carter: "I should just die, nobody would care or notice anyway, I hate myself so much."
Amanda: "Oh dear. Oh God. Just, calm down, it's okay."
Crazy Carter: "Darkness, sorrow. I'm leaving for the army next month. Will you wait for me? Despair, gloom."
Amanda: *Miserable* "I..."
Crazy Carter: *Starts crying again*
Amanda: "...Yes, okay?"
Crazy Carter: "Oh okay, good." *Puts in a new movie and hums "Sk8r Boi" by Avril Lavigne*
Amanda: *Guilt, regret, fear, confusion*
I was no longer lonely or desperate enough to enjoy time with this guy, nor did I have the capability of helping him deal with his horrifying problems. One of these problems made itself quite apparent to me as time went on: obsession mixed with possessiveness. He began to text, call, and Facebook-message me incessantly, usually when I had no way to respond.
(5:40 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "What are you doing?"
(5:42 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "I guess you're too busy for me."
(5:43 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "I should've known you were just like my ex, she never answered me either."
(5:50 p.m.) Amanda: "I'm at work..."
(5:51 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "Yeah you're so wrapped up in your stupid work, whatever, you don't even care about how I need you and stuff. Give me attention."
(5:54 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "My ex is being mean to me and I'm so sad and alone. Wahhhhhhh."
(6:00 p.m.) Amanda: "I know what you mean..."
(6:01 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "No you'd never understand. Nobody understands how hard my life is. My ex is so mean to me, she told me she didn't want to talk to me ever again. I don't need this."
(6:10 p.m.) Amanda: "Well I dated a guy for two years and two months, we just broke up a couple months ago and it's rough. I understand how you feel and stuff. Please accept my sympathy and stop the craziness."
(6:11 p.m.) Crazy Carter: "No, me and her dated for three meaningful years, which is exactly ten months longer than your relationship. So you don't get it. Stop acting like you understand me. Nobody understands me and I like it that way."
We went through this consistently for a few weeks. I wanted to tell him off but I knew that he drank alcohol and OD'd on Tylenol the night he basically asked me to marry him, and I was afraid of what he might do. The concept of me being at work, driving, or doing other activities that prevented me from responding to his text messages completely went over his head. I had to be readily available to him at all times so that I could be bitched at for simultaneously not understanding him and trying too hard to understand him.
On Valentine's Day Carter made me a dinner of undercooked chicken and corn, which was nicer than any other meal a guy had cooked for me. I got him a red stuffed dog with giant eyes, and he got me one as well even though I hate dogs.
He became furious when I wouldn't perform certain Valentine's Day-related acts that I was uncomfortable with and he threw the dog in his closet saying he didn't care anymore.
I cried and drove home in a Valentine's Day super-blizzard at 1:00 a.m., skidding on ice and my confused tears.
He continued texting me like nothing was wrong, but I'd finally had enough. He was not my responsibility, and even though his problems broke my fragile little heart, I have always had a maximum capacity of one for crazy people in my life, and that position was filled by me. So I made the difficult decision to avoid all contact with him. This decision was difficult not just because of my tender, caring soul, but because his contact with me was ridiculously frequent.
Crazy Carter: "Hey."
Crazy Carter: "You can come over tonight if you want, but I'm drunk."
Crazy Carter: "Stop ignoring me and give me the attention I deserve."
Amanda: "I can't do this anymore, dude."
Crazy Carter: "Whatever, I don't care about you anyway because you've never really cared about me. You're just like my ex-girlfriend, have I ever told you about her? She was a bitch."
Crazy Carter: "Baby please answer me. I just want to see you."
Crazy Carter: "What's your fucking problem?"
Crazy Carter: "I'm sorry if I've hurt you or if you've found someone else, just don't leave me, please, I'm needier than I let on."
Crazy Carter: *Cling, cling, whine, anger, guilt*
Crazy Carter: "I was falling in love with you but if you don't care about me then I guess I'll stop loving you. My ex, who was a bitch, didn't love me either."
I deleted him from Facebook and spent the next six months getting an escort to my car after work so he wouldn't be able to stalk me.
Thankfully my enchanting fairytale date with Charming Adam weeks later changed my mind about meeting guys on Facebook.
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