How To Have Acne

One of the things people are always asking me for is advice on how to maintain a glowing complexion like mine. Not everyone can be blessed with the silky-smooth skin of the angels.

That was a lie, but I can share with you what I know best.

How To Have Acne

1. (For girls) Have a period. Menstruating makes your hormones go psycho and declare war on your pores. No defenses you've set up will be able to withstand this onslaught, so embrace it.

2. (For girls or girly boys) Wear makeup. When your period and general teenagerness gives you unsightly blemishes, the most effective solution is to coat on several layers of oil-based foundation and concealer. This way all your red lumps and bumps will become flesh-colored mounds that proudly proclaim your natural beauty.

3. Keep that makeup on. Keeping this makeup on for as long as possible, especially overnight, will clog your pores and give you that desirable shiny look. Also if anyone happens to touch your face, their fingers will slide right off and they'll get a healthy bit of moisturizer on their skin.

4. Invest in an entire line of facial care products. This includes highly chemicalized cleansers that dry out your skin to the point of cracking when you smile, harsh exfoliators for tearing through all the layers of skin, and oily moisturizers to increase that stinging sensation to its maximum potential.

5. Style your hair appropriately. Have bangs, an awesome emo hairstyle like my friend Patrick who is even more awesome than his awesome emo-ness, or any other haircut that creates a curtain of hair in front of your face. This is quite helpful for both hiding pimples and creating more of them. Added gel or spray will improve the creation process.

6. (For guys) Shave. Shave quickly, with an old/rusty/dull razor, in all directions, or without shaving cream. Use this technique and you will soon have a full beard, mustache, and sideburns made up entirely of appealing razor burn and in-grown hairs.

7. Sweat. Do any activity that causes you to perspire. You will achieve that "glistening" look and add to the clogging effect of makeup. This also ensures that you will have acne spring up all over your body, rather than keeping it isolated to your face.

8. Touch your face. Constantly bring your fingers up to your face, especially after doing things like frying and eating bacon or putting gel in your hair.

I sincerely hope that everyone will find these tips useful and follow them so that I will look more attractive by comparison.